Everybody is burnout
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people complain about productivity burnout. How I’ve seen people ask for trigger warnings for those who boast about how swamped they are juggling their work load with their daily routines. Where a majority of their following is staying at home, filling their days with Netflix and Youtube and TikTok because they’ve been laid off during the pandemic.
With all this free time, we’ve been pressured into believing that it’s been a long term vacation. But it feels as though all this free time has only added to the list of reasons why you should be disappointed in yourself for not doing the thing you should be doing.
I am happiest when I love the things that fill my day
The happiest and most serene I’ve ever felt in my life was attributed to how at peace I was with my daily process. At that point in my life, I wasn’t under any pressure to achieve anything. I worked a standard part time job as a server in a humble little vegetarian restaurant, meeting people on a daily basis and focusing on my friends and school. There was no intense longing for some bigger brighter future ahead of me, because I was engrossed in a community of people I felt loved and inspired by. The work I was doing felt mildly challenging, but that delicate balance is what made those long hours fly by.
And now, being under a state of emergency, we spend most of our days indoors. There is no structure to our days. And community is only achievable through a screen. At one point, the best part of my day would be when my partner would come home from work because he would be my only form of human connection.
The body doesn’t lie
I can distract myself and do things that make me feel momentarily happy, but the stress has taken a toll on my body. I haven’t been pooping properly, I lay restless at night and I dream horribly intense dreams where I wake up with debilitating anxiety. And then, I manage to live the rest of my day with the underlying emotions of having just been in a plane crash that morning.
I can only attribute this deep sporadic emotion to the accumulation of stress, anxiety and debilitating pressure to do something or be somewhere. But I also reflect on how my life is no longer filled with distractions. Where the smaller things like a part job or hanging out with friends doesn’t take me away from the pressure of my inner dialogue.
Free time is exactly what we need to self-reflect
I went on a walk yesterday because I was in a state of unmotivated confusion. I had absolutely no desire to complete my only assignment and task of the day. So, I decided to clear my head. I laid on a picnic table and tried my best to focus on the thoughts that were coming to me. What surprised me the most was how off-putting the silence was. There was nothing for me to look forward to, no big project I couldn’t wait to get my hands on, no heart felt emotion to talk about, it was just silence.
And I lay there, scared because the state my mind and body are mostly accustomed to is fear and worry. So, I tried to smother the silence, because I don’t want to feel bad anymore.
My automatic brain setting is worry and anxiety
Reflecting on those smaller moments has given me more perspective of how often I feel bad. Most of the time, my head is filled with worry and anxiety over things I cannot control. When I continue to do things that are only fulfilling on a surface level, finishing these small projects feels akin to losing a part of myself. Once that crochet piece is done, or the book I’ve been reading is completed, I feel so empty. But what I haven’t realized is that this emptiness is always there, waiting for me, no matter how engrossed I am in some craft.
Self-reminder: I am exactly where I need to be
Every time I feel super low, I keep reminding myself to mother myself. This time, Mama G says that having nothing to do does not make me a worthless, unproductive human being. Life is a matter of doing the things that I enjoy, that allow me to feel a sense of fulfillment in my purpose, and that purpose can be something as simple as writing this article.
Make more attempts to fill your mind with positive things. Laugh with yourself more. Remind yourself that you are your own best friend. Worry in the opposite direction. Live with deep consideration that better days are to come. Remember that things will always unfold as they’re meant to in order for you to learn and become the person you need to be.
Sometimes life really is just that simple. It’s only a matter of repeating the methods and executing it in your own time to unlearn what isn’t serving you.
